Sports Insecurities

Embrace what you can’t do and be proud of it.

It is a bright sunny day and the 6th grade class is going outside for PE. We are going to play a game of kickball. Although I liked kickball I knew I wasn’t the greatest. It’s my turn to kick, and I’m excited but then I see the top male class athlete motion everyone in the outfield to move in. Right then, I realized how everyone else saw me: A girl who couldn’t kick very well; an easy out.

Growing up I wasn’t very strong. I didn’t have great eye hand coordination. I struggled, but did enough to get by. I quickly remember watching a volleyball fall to the side of me and felt everyone else’s disappointment. I remember pick up games of basketball that I didn’t participate in. Why put myself out there only to be made fun of?

But now at 35,Screw it. I don’t chase balls. I can’t hit. Won’t hit and that’s the way it is. Faculty softball game? You really don’t want me to play. I accept that I don’t do balls. Put me on a track and I can run. Put me on a bike and I can ride forever. But please don’t put me in the outfield and expect me to catch a ball. I wonder, if I had this confidence, this acceptance at say age 10, what would my classmates have thought of me then? Would I have been more popular? Would I have been accepted more? Oh, there’s Missy, she can’t hit, but she can run. It’s cool. Just like my nephew now who insists that he must change out of his wet swimsuit as soon as he’s done swimming. And that he must have his chocolate chip cookies warmed, won’t eat them cold. What if I just said, “ I don’t play baseball.” And what if, people just accepted it instead of ridiculing me for it? Would I look back at myself and see a confident self-assured 10 year-old? Would I look back and regret that I didn’t play baseball with my friends? Instead, I look back and I feel an insecure girl, and see one who lacks self-confidence. What if, someone would have just said, “It’s okay. Let’s work on it. It’s okay. Just accept it. Own it.” Maybe they did. Maybe they didn’t know these insecurities arose when kids played sports together. When it comes to participating, adults don’t take a back seat. We coax, we conjure: “Go on, you’ll have fun. Just get up there and swing.” They think because we’re kids we should try. We should play. It’s our time to learn. Learn now, because you won’t when you’re old.

That’s not exactly true. In high school, I met a long time acquaintance and we became friends. One night, we went to a batting cage, where he proceeded to patiently teach me how to hit a ball. No pressure. No judgment. I am still a horrible baseball player, but I at least know now that if my life depended on it, I could play in a game of slosh softball. Due process. Isn’t that what we all need? Besides, as we grow older learning something new keeps us young. As my two young girls get older and I start registering them for gymnastics, soccer and swimming. I just ask myself, will I know when it’s right to take a back seat when it comes to my own kids?